On Knowing What’s Coming:
look into my eyes
tell me what you do not see
only then i’ll breathe
So not so great news at the clinic…. my cancer has spread again in the liver. The bits that were there are bigger and they’ve invited a few more friends along to the party. I was hoping for good news (well, a lack of bad really) but prepared for not-so-good news given the tablets i’ve been on for the last three months were ones I tried a few years ago. They were however a damn sight easier to cope with than chemo and allowed me a break over the summer with a good quality of day to day life. But it was a long shot they would work again. And they didn’t . So I’ll be starting a new chemo, Capecitabine, in October. This too is a tablet rather than IV drugs and although it seems to be a bit more gentle, we’re still talking relatively. And in chemo terms gentle still means the possibility of nausea, bowel problems (a delightful swing between rampant diarrhea and chronic constipation by all accounts), and the skin on your hands and feet becoming red and inflamed and cracking and possibly nails falling off. Oh and some weird scary chest thing that is rare but can be lethal. As I said… gentle. 😉
It is worrying when treatment after treatment can’t seem to stem the cancer tide. I feel like some Chemo King Canute standing at the shoreline tentatively throwing packets of tablets and IV bags at the incoming waves and panicking when I realise my ankles are getting wet. I know realistically I can’t stop the flow now but maybe I can protect myself for a wee bit longer. Give myself some more time. So let’s get the next batch of chemo sandbags out and get building our wall… Bring on the Capecitabine!!